Our CUNY vs. Their CUNY: A Musical
Words by Rebecca Hill (BMCC), music by Joyce Moorman (BMCC) and Gilbert & Sullivan

CAST:  

PROFEESSOR MARTIN: A graduate student and adjunct,: Ingrid Hughes

PROFESSOR SULLIVAN: With tenure, but for how long?: Robin Isserles

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: the appointed chair: Lisa Rose

PROFESSOR SHIFRIN: An over-worked Jr. Faculty member: Rebecca Hill

PROFESSOR STONE The union scab: Jack Estes

COLLEGE PRESIDENT: The King of his domain: Bill Friedheim 

Jack Estes, Lisa Rose
& Rebecca Hill

The scene opens in an academic department, where a secretary's desk is piled high with folders titled "MERIT PAY REVIEW" and faculty are rushing by, heads down, weighed down by heavy stacks of student papers. Professors SULLIVAN and MARTIN stop to chat in whispers. 

SULLIVAN: I hear they're getting ready to tell us who will get this year's merit pay raise. Who do you think it will be?  

MARTIN: Oh, why are you asking me? I'm a part-timer. None of that applies to me. 

SULLIVAN: really? It seems like you are here all the time. I just assumed. How many classes are you teaching?  

MARTIN: Five (pauses). Three here and two in the Bronx. At first I thought 5 and 5 would be too many, but I've adjusted to it since I've given up on finishing my dissertation this year .Now, NEXT summer, I am really going to buckle down, and I'm only teaching one summer course. 

SULLIVAN: You must be exhausted. That's more than a regular full-time load. 

MARTIN: True. But you know, since we signed that contract, part-timers can work more hours on one campus. And of course, I do it because I need the money. Wait a minute - here comes Umbridge! 

(A hush falls as a woman wearing a pink cardigan and a large bow on the top of her head struts by eyeing all suspiciously, and then walks off stage to a door marked CHAIR) 

MARTIN: Where DID they find that woman? 

(SHIFRIN tiptoes up to the door marked CHAIR, knocks timidly, waits and then enters) 

SULLIVAN: I heard she was fired from the University of Phoenix and got one of those degrees in college administration. You know, these new appointed chairs get a sweet financial package. (leans forward confidentially) I also heard -  

(From behind the door marked Chair we hear 

SHIFRIN: But! But! That's too much! -  

UMBRIDGE: Perhaps we should go back over your tenure file?  

SULLIVAN and MARTIN shake their heads knowingly. 

SHIFRIN: Comes out of UMBRIDGE's office trying hard to retain composure. 

SULLIVAN: what did she do to you? 

SHIFRIN: She's told me to serve on an additional committees: "Maximizing Efficiency in the Developmental Skills Classroom" and to attend a seminar: "Faster Grading Techniques for Busy Professors." That one meets weekly. AND she gave me a new directive from the "Management Roundtable on Curricular Development." She says my syllabus doesn't conform to the model. I don't know if I can take any more of this. It's so demoralizing. With the amount of teaching I do, I feel like I'm going to lose it when she piles that committee work up - and they NEVER give us release time. I swear I'm going to go crazy. 

STONE: (who is noticeably better dressed than the others, enters from the opposite side of the room, carrying a stuffed animal toy, pokes in head in the CHAIR's door, hands the stuffed animal to her inside and cheerfully says) Hi Dolores! here's a little something for your collection. Did you get those cookies I had messengered over?"   

UMBRIDGE: (muffled) Delicious, Bruce! Thanks so much. 

SULLIVAN: (to SHIFRIN) Umbridge just LOVES "merit pay review time." 

STONE: (approaching) What's going on here?  

SULLIVAN:  Alice is a little frantic, lots of committee work. 

STONE: Yes, I guess it's hard for some people- 

SHIFRIN: I just can't - well....I just -  

The 27 Hour Blues SHIFRIN: I teach 27 hours a year, It makes me crazy Oh, 27 hours a year It makes me crazy  STONE You mean that's all you do?    I think you're lazy   We get the summers off too You and your whining really amaze me  SHIFRIN: If you knew how hard I work You wouldn't be so scornful When you hear my 27-hours-a-year blues you'll know why I'm so mournful  STONE: If you think you can explain                I'll try not to interrupt                  Maybe I'll feel your pain                      SHIFRIN:  We call forty hours a regular week So how can 27 be so bad I'll break it down for you piece by piece  STONE:  It can't be really bad just take it from me  SHIFRIN According to a study by a Texas professor It takes twenty minutes to grade a student's paper If you have twenty-five students that comes to 500 minutes That's more than eight hours before your work is finished And if you teach four classes the hours are 33 But if you're teaching five classes, it's 42 you see And if you add prep time to grading the total comes 57 Do you believe me yet when I say this job isn't heaven? If you add the hours spent in class the total hits 72 Now do you see why I've got the blues?   SULLIVAN: You forgot the office hours - aren't three required?    SHIFRIN: That makes it 75   STONE: Now I think I see your point   SHIFRIN There are one hundred sixty eight hours in a week.   SULLIVAN: You have to sleep!  SHIFRIN Subtracting sleep leaves 37 subtracting three for meetings and two for emails leaves thirty two!  SHIFRIN AND SULLIVAN: which divided by seven leaves four hours a day  CHORUS: Time off we need it We need it all If we remembered the work-load we wouldn't come back in the fall Don't make us come back early Vacation is short Time off we need it! We need it all!  STONE: I see why some run from a job at CUNY, it's not just the lousy pay CHORUS: Time off we need it We need it all If we remembered the work-load we wouldn't come back in the fall Don't make us come back early Vacation is short Time off we need it! We need it all!

SULLIVAN:  I’m so glad I don’t teach writing! You make me realize how much easier I have it than you. In fact I feel a little lazy.  

STONE:  Yes, it's only because you teach writing-intensive that your week is so hard. I only give multiple-choice exams, and of course, I get course-release for the extra administrative work I do. Which reminds me, I've got to go chat with the Vice President! (exits)  

SULLIVAN: You do have to be careful about complaining too much - The P&B agrees about the workload but - 

SHIFRIN: What P&B? With Dolores sitting there at all the meeting nobody else matters.. Remember what happened to Professor Mickelsohn?  

SULLIVAN: I still can't believe he didn't get tenure. His book won an award. And who has time for any research at this place? I spent last summer trying to write an article, but before I got very far, I had to start prepping my history surveys.

SHIFRIN: Do you spend that much time prepping? I thought you said you had it easier than I do. What is your week like?  

Robin Isserles singing I am a very
"conscientious history professor."

(music for Gilbert and Sullivan's "Modern Major General" begins) SULLIVAN sings: I am a very conscientious history professor I spend ten hours reading books before I give each lecture From Spartacus to Reconstruction, Manitou to mass production I answer student’s questions with the facts and not conjecture I’m very well acquainted too with matters technological I use computers in my class because it’s pedagogical I spend seven hours weekly on those methods Paolo-Freirean  And if I have two preps it’s twenty-seven hours I’m carryin’    I’m fifteen hours in the classroom and five more in the office clime I do more than I’m asked because it seems to me I’ve got the time The students really need me see, they visit on the regular - I am a very conscientious history professor CHORUS: The students really need her see they visit on the regular She is a very conscientious history professor SULLIVAN: It’s 47 hours and we haven’t got to grading yet I write my own exams and quizzes, that’s at least two hours I bet Add another five for grading - piles which are so very thick With 54 more hours a week -I think I might be getting sick Administrative meetings are another duty of my week The emails that I must respond to are another hour at least Let’s round it off at sixty hours, I thought I had it easier… But when I think of finals week it makes me even queasier.    I read blue books by the pound. Handwriting is so hard to read And multiplied by 35 it’s really quite a task indeed. With twenty minutes for each one, it’s 12 more hours before I’m done And Multiplied by five it means I hardly see my kids at home.    Gosh I didn't know that I worked 120 hours a week That leaves just 48 for me, I see that I am up shit’s creek.

MARTIN: Look at the time! I've got to go mark ACTs!   

SHIFRIN, and SULLIVAN: (all are watching MARTIN as she runs out heaving a huge backpack) Poor Jo-Ann 

SULLIVAN: Been here for fifteen years! 

SHIFRIN: at barely $20,000.00! And her courses are so popular with the students.  

(They both shake their heads) 

SULLIVAN: Well, I should go too. I've got a search-committee meeting. 

SHIFRIN: How's that going?  

SULLIVAN: Are you surprised to hear that we didn't get enough qualified candidates? We're thinking of just eliminating the full-time position and hiring some more part-timers.  

SHIFRIN: The grad-students still want the jobs at least.  

SULLIVAN: Yes, but look what happens to you if GET one of those jobs. (Indicates MARTIN's trail out of the office) What else are we going to do? We already tried looking on Craigslist!   

Suddenly, UMBRIDGE emerges from her office. 

UMBRIDGE: Professor Sullivan, I just read your file and I must say that I'm concerned to see that your student evaluations are at 1.5. 

SULLIVAN: But "ones" are the best rating, Ms.Umbridge.   

UMBRIDGE: That's true, yes, but 1.5 is just a bit too close to "2" for me. Just because you have tenure, don't you start resting on your laurels. (hands her the memo and walks out)  

SULLIVAN: (reading aloud from memo) "All tenured faculty whose student evaluations are not satisfactory will drop to the bottom of the list in choosing their schedules." (looks glum) That means 7:00 and 8:00 am classes. Not only will I have to rearrange all my child-care, but the morning is my time for doing research. I was going to try to write that article in my free time.

SHIFRIN: Hey, look professional, it's the college president.  

Both SULLIVAN and SHIFRIN smile widely 

PRESIDENT: (walks into the department wearing a crown, a doctoral robe, and carrying a sceptor, grandly) HELLO! Professors, erm "SIMON" and "GILBERT" (the two look taken aback at the mistaken names) Shouldn't you be in the classroom? or perhaps having a brown bag discussion with your students? (walks toward UMBRIDGE's office, and saying loudly as he walks in the door)

Ahh, Dolores, I've just got a new directive I'd like to discuss with you. It concerns new rules for the faculty at the college senate. Now, If I can just have a few minutes of your time...... 
 

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