CUNY in
Ten Years
(Without the PSC)
David Winn, Hunter
David Winn
reading
"CUNY in Ten Years..."
The day
begins early at Benno G. Schmidt Vocational (formerly
Hunter) College, the flagship campus of the City University
of New York.
Students, faculty and staff pour in from the subway and
buses, long lines forming at the Bernie Kerik Company
Security Checkpoints, where voice-and-eye identification
devices are employed to insure the safety of the college
population.
Entering the College is swift (unless the machines determine
the need for a body cavity search or you find yourself on
the Gonzales Profile Credible Threat List), and the throng
is greeted by the delicious aromas of food and beverages
prepared by the many national franchise chains, who not only
operate the food service options available on-campus, but
frequently sponsor programs and in some cases whole
departments at BSVC-CUNY, making it no longer necessary for
the college to rely on the prolonged, tiresome and often
frustrating process of public funding.
For
example, purchase a latte or a macchiato at the Starbucks,
and you’ll be presented with a cup bearing the profile of
and a pithy quotation from such authors as Ayn Rand, William
F. Buckley or David Brooks. The presence of these literary
titans on that steaming cup of morning brew is emblematic of
Starbucks function as the main support of BSVC’s English
Department and Creative Writing Program.
Where
else could an aspiring young scholar or writer find such
courses as Caffeine and the Creative Process; Coffee
Nerves and The Restoration Theatre, or Inspiration,
Perspiration and Urination: What Makes the Poet Get Up and
Go?
BSVC-CUNY’s
unique and ingenious melding of scholarship and product
placement has set new standards for economies of scale in
the academic realm and streamlined the entire culture by
eliminating the need for tenure, the tedious search process
and the archaic and wrong-headed notion of peer review as
well.
Of course,
not all public funding has eliminated. In an audacious and
innovative move, the U. S. military now sponsors the
college’s physical education program. Each branch of the
service now has their information office and recruitment
center at hardened sites on campus, and students who wish
to may sign up for any number of programs or sports (check
out BSVC’s SEAL trained swim-and-explosive-ordnance-disposal
team), by simply making a six-year open ended commitment to
the branch of service of their choice. It goes without
saying, then, that this marriage of service and health
consciousness results in substantial gains in security as
well.
A
Junior Year Abroad Program is included with Iraq, Iran,
North Korea, The Phillipines and other exotic destinations
proving to be astonishingly popular options for student
participants.
BVSC is
a green institution, committed to the environment and for
that reason, the elevators and escalators have been turned
off (except for administrators). Students and faculty take
turns carrying each other up the stairs, providing the
younger and more fit among them with both an opportunity for
community service and the chance to earn some extra cash.
The Michael
Brown Urban Health and Planning Institute, The Karl B. Rove
School of Political Ethics, The Brenda Malone Program of
Municipal and Labor Relations, staffed by the finest adjunct
faculty available, are just three newly established but
already nationally recognized inter-disciplinary schools
functioning within BSVC.
Joining
then soon will be the Information Management and New Media
Center along with the Interrogative Arts and Motivational
Research departments replacing the old and out-moded Film &
Media and Psychology departments.
Since the
retirement (or unexplained disappearance) of the last few
tenured, full-time faculty members, and the elimination of
collective bargaining, BSVC has transformed itself from a
staid, union-ridden, directionless campus, into a forward
looking, dynamic and profitable institution.
With
its eyes firmly fixed on the future, its feet solidly
planted on the bottom line, BSVC strides forth. Don’t get
in its way.
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